Hormones + Sick = Crazy Mama

The week of Fall Break I ended up getting really sick. I was only able to work Wednesday. I laid in bed from Thursday-Sunday. I am sure all I had was a cold or sinus infection, but not being able to take medicine made the sickness linger forever. Every time I would try to lie down I would end up coughing until I had completely worn myself out. I caught up on all my Netflix shows that I hadn't been able to watch due to watching Paw Patrol nonstop. I also did some serious thinking…..  

Seriously, I have been freaking out since the day I found out I was pregnant. Everyone probably thinks, "You weren't taking birth control, you should have known what was going to happen". Well, I seriously didn't think it would happen due to the problems I had trying to conceive Suzy. Getting pregnant was seriously a major shock to me. I blame my mood/depression/anxiety on hormones, but I have no clue if that is what the true problem is or not. I am sure that I am just freaking out because this was never in my life plan. 

Our sweet CinCin sent this book to Suzy! She loved it.... 

After lying in bed for four days, I had a complete meltdown. I finally told Scott what I had been feeling, and begged him not to think I was mental ward material. Here are some of the things that I have been thinking.... 

 - I don't ever want Suzy to feel left out or like she is being replaced. 

- Raising Suzy was a challenge, so raising two is going to kill me. 

- Holy shit.... I have already gained 22 lbs.!!! 

- We just got to a point in our lives where things are normal, and we can go/do as we please... now we have to start all over. 

- If I almost went crazy after Suzy's birth, I am definitely going to be on mental ward watch after this baby. 

- I am terrified of going back to the newborn stage. 

- Everyone tells you to rest while the baby rests... I did that with Suzy, and I was still tired. I won't be able to do that with "Sally" because I will still have Suzy to take care of. 

- If it is a boy, Suzy is going to be so upset. 

- I really wish this belly would start looking pregnant instead of just fat. 

-  I need to love on Suzy more than normal, because I know I won't have this 1-1 time with her much longer. 

Gaining all this weight so quickly has been extra hard for me to accept. I have still been doing CrossFit (modified), and actually ran the Cooper Young 4- Miler with Kalon and Shauna a few weeks ago. I had worked so hard to get off the baby weight from my pregnancy with Suzy, so seeing my almost flat stomach turn to mush and start expanding really was hard to get adjusted to. I know that I shouldn't be so vain and worry about my body. I know that my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to in order for "Sally" to be comfortable, but it is just hard to look at a closet full of awesome clothes that don't fit. I finally broke down and drug Kalon and Renee maternity clothes shopping last weekend. I had been wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans with ponytail holders stretching from the button through the button loop. They were getting pretty dang uncomfortable to say the least. My belly is just now starting to look pregnant instead of fat. I can actually see some baby bump definition, so that makes getting bigger a little easier. 

Starting to see the baby bump here..... 

Kalon and I at the same race last year.

At Jathan and Haley's wedding.... 

I have been overcrowding Suzy lately and caving to her every request. We usually let Suzy watch one or two TV shows at night before she goes to bed. When she watches "her channels" we are usually catching up on chores or getting ready for bed ourselves. One night Suzy yelled for me to come to her room way past bedtime, and way past the normal two show limit...... (I had caved and she was watching a movie). She wanted me to braid her hair. I would have never normally allowed her to be up that late or talk me into braiding her hair (it was just a plot to keep her from going to sleep in her mind). I caved again and braided her wet, tangled hair so she could stay up an extra five minutes. I soaked up every minute of her wanting/needing me. Her hugs and kisses melt my heart more now than they ever have. I just don't want her to resent me or ever feel like she is second to "Sally". I worry how I will ever juggle my time well enough for both of them to feel like they are both equally important to me. 

She had to take a picture of the finished product after modeling around her room looking in mirrors :) 

It did me absolutely no good to be so sick and unable to do anything but think of crazy depressing things, did it? 

Since the meltdown, I am doing a little better…. I am starting to get over the little things that have been driving me bonkers. I am actually getting giddy about having another little one. It has taken quite some time to get excited. I have always felt blessed to be given this opportunity again, but also wondered why He would think I could handle another baby. I have always prayed and thanked Him for this sweet baby, but never prayed for guidance and help with my inner battles. I realized that I should just ask Him for help. Since then, I smile more when I talk about “Sally” and have been stressing less. To say that all my fears are gone would be a complete lie, but things are getting much easier to cope with. So, keep me and my sanity in your prayers if you don’t mind. 

Pedicures always help too!! I was tired of trying to bend over and paint my toenails.... I treated myself!